Roxanne's English Blog

 If I had to write a poem about my life right now it would be about reflection, self discovery, and change. The reason why I mentioned reflection is because recently I have been reflecting on my own actions and how they affect myself and others. The reason why reflection has played such huge part I my life recently is because I am trying to discover who I am as a person. Now that I am a young adult, finding who I am is crucial for the decisions I'll make later in life. Working on these two factors has caused me to change habits that I am used to. I have become more social, more confident, and more free. That's the journey I have been focused on recently which is why my poem would consist of it.

 When I am in a mood that I do not like I try many different ways to quell the disturbance. I would describe myself as an introvert due to my comfortability in being alone so usually I attempt to take care of myself and my environment to clear my head. If i'm just lazy I tend scour my comfort shows to bring me a sense of joy. I don't like to contact my friends when I am in a distasteful mood because I'd only feel like I am burdening them with my rudeness. Another reason is because I simply don't want to get attached to method of depending on others to heighten my mood. I should be capable of doing it myself. Instead, I go and entertain my little sister which usually brings my mood up because it feels like I'm detaching from the world to be with my baby. 9re<--( cat typed this). Overall, there are many different ways I attempt to get myself to feel better it's all a matter of why I feel that way and what method will help soothe the feeling.

 Something that I've outgrown that I miss is the ability to keep up with many people. As a kid I was very outgoing and not to tute my own horn but a little popular. I always knew how to speak to the kids around me and I felt involved in a community. Now that I've grown older, I have gotten used to the habit of enclosing myself because I am unable to deal with others when I can barely deal with myself. I have definitely gotten better with bringing back that old spirit in myself. Boosting my confidence and faking it till I make sure helps a lot. I look forward to it and hope to gain that ability again. I'd love to be that person everyone describes as "Welcoming".

Something I wish I could unheard would be the time my mother told me I that I wasn't her daughter anymore. At a young age hearing something like come out of the mouth of the women who is suppose to love me unconditionally hurt. It caused me to build resentment towards her even when she apologized. I found myself feeling guilty for not being ready to forgive her but also angry at her. Having a parent tell you something so hurtful very young sticks with you. Now though i've learned to forgive her to help myself. Having wounds just makes you tougher.

 My friend Allison recently told me a story of her staying true to herself instead of trying to fit in. A year ago she had a friend group who would drink and smoke. She's never personally done any of those things or even thought about doing them. On this particular day she was in a car ride with these friends while they were getting lit (Excluding the driver). They stoped by to pick up a new girl she had never met. This girl ended up having issues with Allison that night due to her refusal to drink or smoke. She ended up shoving the substances in her face trying to pressure her to do it. Allison knew this was not the kind of setting she wanted to be in or people so she ended up asking them to drop her off home. I think it was really brave of her to go against with what the majority did and how she stayed true to her morals. She gained her sense of dignity that day.

Every summer teens are allowed to have gym membership for free. I always promised myself that I would go consecutively throughout the whole summer to get me used to going afterwards. Unfortunately, I let myself down every time due to the struggle of having to get up and exhaust my body. One summer I went for a week straight and felt pretty good about it. One particular day though my body was aching so badly which caused me to ditch one day which turned into two then a week and then months. This taught me how terrible I am at meeting my personal goals. I listen to the doubt in my head to easily.

 A time I didn't feel like myself would be when I was in a toxic relationship with my ex best friend. I started to act and accept on things that I would tell myself I'd never think or do. What made me realize this was when I started to shut down everyone else in my life but her. Eventually I started to mirror who she was instead of building who I was as a person. I always had a feeling that who I was portraying to be was a facade but I insisted it was all in my head. Now ever since the friendship ended I started to reflect on myself and start working on who I wanted to become instead of who I was trying to portray. Now I can confidently say that I can be myself,

A place that I feel most at peace is the park. More specifically Graves Park. With that being my childhood park it brings me comfort every time I visit it. The memories I had there as a chid were one of my most joyful ones and it brings me that same sense of happiness every time I visit it. Now I normally go there to pay volleyball with my cousin and friends which feels like a detachment from my problems and responsibilities. Going to the park also gives my mind clarity especially when I go there alone. It feels like everyone there is trying to reach that same sense of clarity and joy which builds a sense of community.

A time I relied on my Dad it cost me my cats life. I don't blame him for it now in fact I don't believe it was his fault entirely. In 2023 each day that I would leave for work I would remind everyone in my house to leave the doors closed and ESPECIALLY the porch door. We lived in a pretty high apartment building so a fall from there would be nearly fatal. One day after my 8 hour shift, I came back home expecting for my cat get me at the door. I soon realized he was not in the house. This wasn't unusual since he would make his way past the front door sometimes and escape. I once again got mad at the carelessness of my family and lack of attention. I went outside in the dark cold night and heard faint painful meows behind a bush. There I saw Pepe (My cat) shivering and barely being able to move a muscle. I rushed him back home and quickly booked a vet appointment for the next day. Come to find out the next day he had a small puncture from a stick in his side from falling down...

 Just recently this year I finally made up my mind about going to college for Nursing. I never gave much thought into my future which caused me to procrastinate it once I finally had to. I ended up applying for college this year and just now the realization has hit me. What I study in college will be what the rest of my life will consists of. I fear that I won't be good enough to succeed or won't end up liking the profession. Instead of a concept I thought of as a kid going to college is my new reality.

 A moment I had to step out of my comfort zone would be this year when I participated in the Hispanic Heriage Month performance. If someone would ask my freshmen year self if I'd ever participate in something like that I'd probably tell you "He** no". I had never put much thought in putting myself out there which caused me to grow up very shy and closed off. Luckily, as I grew I started changing my perspective on things and even met my best friend Alexander who has helped me immensely with my social anxiety. Alexander takes so much pride in his cultural roots and I admired that so much, he's also very confident. Seeing the inspiration he is I decided to participate in things I never would've before. Now I constantly try to push myself out of my comfort zone and do things I don't think I can do. The only way to find out if I can accomplish something is if I try.

When I wa younger around the age of 13 I would walk to my friends house whenever we planned a hang out. Considering the distance that she lived from me it was a manageable walk but it still had its hefty length. When I first started walking to her house it was extremely difficult. I wasn't used to putting such a strain on my body for a long period of time. Even so, I always noticed how therapeutic it was. It gave me a chance to be with myself and my thoughts but at the same time enjoy the Beauty of life. Music played a huge component in my enjoyment of these walks as well. I learned how fulfilling the simplest thing can be when your mind allows you to see it that way.

If I were to describe my holiday break into one word it would be heart-warming. This Christmas was the first time I actually felt like I was celebrating it and it made me feel so loved. This is the first Christmas I gave and received gifts, pounds upon pounds of food, and actually hung out personally with everyone I loved. The same can be said for my New Years, I spent it with my best friend Alexander and his family. This year has truly started off in such a loving spirit.  The first goal that  i  will achieve this year is getting into college.   Getting into college will matter so much to the success of my  future since it will allow me to achieve my dream of  comfortability  and stability.   To accomplish this  i  have to maintain good grades in the  remainder  of my highschool months and be consistent with notices . Once  i  get accepted  i  will  obtain  a higher paying job to save up for futur...